The Champions League kicks off Tuesday with the first half of the groups, following up Wednesday with the second set of groups playing. As a Newcastle fan, I have no business giving my predictions on a competition I did not know existed until the Saudis took over, but I am going to do it anyways. Sit back, relax, and blindly accept all of my extremally accurate takes. It may help to play the below video while reading this...if you truly want to be swept away in the river of words, that is my writing. Your choice.
Group A:
I present to you the first group of the 2022-23 Champions League season. I watch one of these clubs play on a regular basis. Actually, I have only watched one of these clubs play this year. I will do my best to remove that bias from my predictions, which I will be giving from the top down. Top of the group I see Liverpool, shit, that did not take long. It is not bias, I swear. I just see them as the strongest team in this group. Sure Salah is not firing in the league, but I can see him turning up here. Napoli in second, they are still a strong club, perhaps not as strong as in the past but no doubt talented. Osimhen could carry them through the group stage. Ajax in third, they have lost some key pieces on and off the pitch. (Martinez, Antony, ten Hag, Gravenberch, Tagliofico, Onana, Haller) Starting to think, maybe I should put them last, if I am being honest. Have to trust the gut though, they did bring in some quality players too (Bergwijn, Wijndal). Let's see if they can fill the massive hole left behind. Last place, rounding it out is Rangers. They lost to Celtic over the weekend 4-0. Need I say more? They scrapped past PSV in the play-in matches, so maybe they will at least have success against Ajax. The upside is we can see what Malik Tillman is all about.
Group B:
Group B, is by no means a group of death, but could be a very competitive group overall. Atletico seems to be the clear favorites here, and I have a hard time going against them. Defense wins championships, or in their case, defense almost wins Champions Leagues. Second place is a tough one, I am torn between Leverkusen and Porto. I am going to have to lean towards Leverkusen here, due to the outgoings at Porto. Leverkusen brought in some good depth in the summer, to a squad that was already filled to the brim with young talent. They will be missing Writz badly, but I think they have enough talent to still make it through. I am in no way going to pretend like I have extensive knowledge of Portuguese or Belgian football leagues, but I also do not live under a rock. Porto I see placing third here, they lost big names in the midfield over the summer with Vitinha and Vieira moving on, but I feel like these Portuguese clubs quietly put together competitive runs in the Champions League every year. They will fall out of the UCL but Europa League will be waiting for them with open arms. Last, Club Brugge, a great place to develop young talent. Shoutout to Emmanuel Dennis, Watford legend, who played here before moving to the PL. New England Revolution youngster Tajon Buchanan is now playing here, that should be interesting to see. Honestly, that is all I got for them. I have no idea what to expect. Maybe they shock Atletico and make this group a dog fight, or something like that.
Group C:
Now that is what I call a group of death, welcome to the big leagues Viktoria Plzen. Honestly, any of the other three could top the group. I really mean that. Bayern started the year flying, but have recently drew to Gladbach and Union in their last two league matches. Barcelona look to be scoring at will, but is that squad ready for the Champions League yet? I am not sure. Finally, Inter are up and down since the start of the season, losing two of the last three to Lazio and AC Milan. I have a feeling Bayern are going to miss Lewandowski a lot, and Barcelona are going to love him. Barcelona top the group, thanks to his ridiculous goalscoring record. Bayern slide past Inter for the second spot, due to their strong defense, and quality in attack. Inter fall into the Europa league, harsh but someone has to receive that fate. They have not been great in Serie A, not a great look going into the UCL. I still think they are a great team, I just think the other two are a little better. (Let it be known, as I typed all this out I rethought these picks like ten times. Even as I write this I think Xavi is not ready for the UCL and Barcelona is a little too overhyped. Bayern make it through for sure, the other spot is a toss up. Yeah ignore everything before, its; Bayern, Inter/Barcelona, Plzen.) Finally, poor Plzen, I am not totally convinced that they will not just forfeit by matchday four. I know what you are thinking, why did I not just delete that middle part. To be as blunt as possible, sometimes we need to learn how the sausage gets made.
Group D:
I am not sure where to go with this group. Seems like a relatively even group top to bottom. Sure, some people would say Tottenham is the clear favorite, but Cunte is not known for UCL success, and frankly I am not that impressed by them this year. (Sorry, Mike) Sporting lost Palhinha and Nunes, sending Vinagre out on loan as well. Not sure Vinagre was as important, but losing two midfielders in the same summer cannot bode well for the season. Marseille actually has a sneaky squad that has some real quality. Lastly, Frankfurt, who I think is kind of weak. They got in through the Europa league, but finished in 11th in the Bumdisliga. I like to walk through the clubs, because as I type it justifies certain things, and helps me make decisions as I go. I am going to say Tottenham win the group, as I said I am not overly impressed, but they are strong and have added depth. Marseille grab the second spot, I think they have quality front to back, with some exciting attackers to keep an eye on. Frankfurt take the third spot, on purpose. Yes you read that right, they want to repeat as Europa League champions. They are coming for you Sevilla. Sporting round out the group at the bottom. As I said losing two midfielders is a recipe for disaster. They are also sitting 7th in the Portuguese league, behind clubs I have never even heard of.
Group E:
After the clusterfuck of Group D, I am thankful for a pretty straight forward one. Straight forward in the sense of, the top two being obvious. It is Chelsea and Milan, the question is really just what order? Chelsea have been struggling pretty hard to start the year. Defense has been weak and they have not figured it out in attack yet. Milan has had some small bump in the road, but a big win over Inter was positive over the weekend. Frankly if you know me, there is one differentiator between the two clubs. It is one beautiful, six foot, French man, with the looks of an angel. I refuse to pick against Olivier, I do not even care that they brought in other good players, it's Giroud or die here. Milan top the group, Chelsea take second. Third and Fourth are tough, Salzburg could have some young guy that is going to score 70 goals this year, and we just have not seen him yet. Dinamo is the bane of Tottenham's existence, so they could keep up the record of dominating London clubs. I have to go with the hype, Sesko is being talked about in high regards, Salzburg takes the third spot, Dinamo crash out at the bottom.
Group F:
The reigning champs get pulled into an easy group, how convenient. No corruption here. No reason to keep Perez happy, right. RIGHT.
Real obviously top this group, should be a cake walk. Leipzig have had their ups and downs in Germany to start the year, but they are still a step above the other two. To be honest third and forth are the hardest decisions here. Shakhtar has something to play for, (If you did not know about the war then there are a lot of questions to be asked.) but they also lost quality by not being able to bring players in this summer. They lost Solomon to Fulham due to the rule allowing players to suspend contracts. Literally just checked Celtic's latest lineup, I think I know one player on that team. I am going to refer to the league table for this decision. Celtic are top in Scotland, Shakhtar are fourth in Ukraine. Only seems right Celtic take third, and Shakhtar go fourth here as well.
Group G:
Manchester City has less Champions Leagues than Nottingham Forest. Don't EVER forget that. Pretty easy group here to predict if I am being honest. If City do not walk through this group, they do not deserve to win it all. Dortmund and Sevilla would be an interesting discussion, if Sevilla weren't hovering above a relegation spot right now. Losing Kounde and Carlos has put a dent in that defense. Dortmund did lose Haaland, but they have a lot more quality in that squad than just him. It is not going to make it easier for them by any means, but I see them being fine. It is a shame Haller will not be playing, wishing him the best. I think he would have replaced Haaland just fine. Anyways, Dortmund takes the second spot for sure, and I think Sevilla squeaks into that third spot. Not that I think Copenhagen is going to surprise anyone, Sevilla just look like they are in awful shape right now. Copenhagen gets the last spot, sorry, these one off clubs from small leagues are really getting shafted here.
Group H:
What's that? Another rich club getting an easy group. Never seen that before. Stupid corruption. PSG, you made Mbappe your daddy, unfortunately UCL owns you. Does that make CL your grandaddy? Yeah, they will be top of this group, but this is not saying much. Could never imagine following a club with so much dirty money, disgusting. I am going to throw a wrench into things here. I think Benfica take the second spot here. Unlike a certain other club (Sporting), they actually are winning their league matches. They quietly picked up David Neres in the summer, and, from at least the hype, Goncalo Ramos seems like a quality replacement for Nunez. Sorry Juve, I have kept my eye on you, I am not impressed. I think they just spend money to spend money. They bought Zakaria last winter, then loaned him out to Chelsea in the summer. They are trying to put together a puzzle, but have pieces from like five different puzzles on the table. Juve take the third spot, but that is only because I do not even know who this last club is. Maccabi Haifa (just looked it up), are from Israel. Is Israel in Europe? Seriously, if so I had no idea. Either way, fourth place it is for you, thanks for coming.
That is everything, all eight groups, all 32 clubs. Keep in mind third place gets into the Europa League round of 32. There are no more away goals, same as last year. Finally, there are two more spots open for next year's UCL, given out to the leagues who's clubs do the best in UCL, UEL, and Conference League. Real challenge there, forcing you to want other English clubs to succeed. Gross. Best of luck, it is an open race until Newcastle run this shit in 10 years.
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