I know what you are thinking, is this a place for Bournemouth supporters to come together and follow the club? No. This is a safe place for fans of clubs that have dropped points to Bournemouth. My job here is to get us through the grief that we are all feeling. I ask all Newcastle, Nottingham, and Aston Villa fans to gather around on this journey. I also encourage other fans, who potentially could drop points in the future, to follow along. For those who do not know the five stages of grief, they are listed below:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
In the words of Michael Scott, "If I have made these people depressed then I've done my job."
Stage 1: Denial
Tell me if you've been in this situation. Your club has kicked off against Bournemouth, you are dominating the ball, you feel as though the game is well in hand. The arrogance starts to kick in a little bit, you do not see any way you could possibly lose this match. Bournemouth look like a bunch of Championship players hanging on for dear life. Well news flash, that is exactly what they are. As the seconds tick on and the match gets into the second half, you start thinking, "What if we don't score?". You block out those dark thoughts and push on, supporting with every fiber of your body. Welcome to stage one of grief, you have denied it ever could happen. You delicate water lily, you know nothing of what is to come. While you were half paying attention, those Cherries just popped one in the back of the net. That's right, it happened, welcome to stage two, you raging cokehead.
Stage 2: Anger
The ball hits the back of the net, and you look for the first person to blame. Is it the manager? Probably not, Eddie Howe has done nothing wrong ever in his life. Is it the owners? How could it be their fault? They have never done anything wrong in their lives either (in football). The players, those little bitches, are the ones to blame. They put on that kit, and tarnish the badge. If you are not playing for the badge why are you even on the pitch? Before you can even fathom it, your fingers are pounding the keys of war, firing texts to everyone that your new striker is absolutely garbage. You take all your anger out on the inept players, that plague your starting lineup. The Almiron's of the world will no longer get a free pass for "putting in a shift". You need hope now, you need anything to cling on to. Something that will pull you away from the flamethrower, saving you from sending all those kits on a one way trip to the landfill. A bargain.
Stage 3: Bargaining
Here you stand down a goal, pleading for your life. All you need is one goal to get a point, is that too much to ask? An hour ago three points seemed as easy as predicting Norwich to be relegated. No matter, now you are doing anything you can for some luck to fall your way. You begin the ritual on the floor, reciting the incantations to manifest something positive. Out of the corner of your eye you catch it, a penalty is called. Bargaining has provided you with the little joy you need. The striker you called shit mere minutes ago, has pulled you level. Save those ritual items for another day, this squad does not die! They also do not win, so welcome to stage four, depression.
Stage 4: Depression
Do you take the one point? Yes. Do you gloat about this one point? Not on your life. This is your walk of shame, you must now where the scarlet letter for two weeks. Yeah, in case dropping points was not bad enough, now the international break is here. You have not tasted victory since week one, and now you must endure the international break knowing Bournemouth is equal to you. As if you need to feel more helpless than you already had. Everything around you feels pointless, the alcohol not as strong, the softness of your shirt itchy, and the porn just mediocre. Where do we go from here? We move on, through acceptance.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Welcome one and all, to acceptance, the final stage of grief. By now minutes, hours, days, or for some, weeks have passed since you dropped points. You now realize it really is not as big of a deal as it once was. You can look forward to new things. Perhaps some players were injured and you will have them back soon enough. Maybe your club just signed your star youngster to a new deal, and that alone is enough to pull you from the FIFA induced coma you went into, repeatedly playing Bournemouth on rookie difficulty. No matter what it is that pulled you out, you have accepted Bournemouth bent you over the barrel. Through that experience, we grow. We also, accept that no fan of any other club will allow us to live down this disgrace, it is all part of the journey.
If I got you depressed I have succeeded, if I got you past that, feel free to Venmo me all of your money and save yourself a session with the therapist. Either way we are all on the same team here, Bournemouth Shame FC. Welcome, when you are here, you are pathetic.
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