Here we are after one week of action, own goals have taken a commanding lead of the golden boot race, Klopp has already started making his excuses, and Manchester Utd is just as much of a let down as they were last year. In some ways all is right with the world, it is great to have the Premier League back in action. Seeing the newly promoted clubs is always a joy, unless your club drops points to them. Big name signings finally make their debuts, and this week they certainly did not disappoint.
I am sure you are wondering, what is this, what are we talking about here? Well, this is my way of talking, and previewing the next set of matches. I hope it will be a short and quick way for everyone to read up and possibly go broke placing bets on my hopelessly confident predictions. I am sure some of you may also be wondering which of the three of us is writing this, I feel as though that will become obvious relatively quickly. Let’s talk about these upcoming matches, shall we?
Aston Villa vs Everton
Stevie G vs Frank Lampard or Steve Bruce vs Mark Hughes. Considering the success both managers had as players in the Premier League they seem to be getting a bit of leeway when it comes to criticism. Sure, Stevie has done a bit in Scotland, but this is not Scotland. This is the Premier League, best of the best, and Everton. Villa lost their second season opener to a newly promoted club in two years, if that does not scare you then I am not sure what will. Now they get to take on Everton, you know that side that barely survived relegation, is in financial turmoil, yet still somehow managed to convince a young midfielder from Lille to join them over West Ham? I can’t lie, Everton made a couple moves to get better, and I think they will make a big difference. However, when your best striker is a guy who is prone to injury (out eight weeks right now), and cares more about his clothes than his play, it is hard to have any faith in the squad. Villa should win this, and if they let up a single goal, they should put Mings back in the lineup right away. If you are letting up any goals to a club with no strikers, than your backline is probably shit. All that being said, Everton’s defense might be their saving grace, Conor Coady (third leading scorer at Wolves last year) is walking into that backline, and laying his body on the line. 0-0 Draw
Arsenal vs Leicester City
Do not worry about Leicester all they did was let their best keeper by a country mile walk away for a while one million pounds. Now they must survive the season with *checks notes* club legend Danny Ward. What a great way, for a club that struggled defensively last year, to slap their dicks on the table and say, “No one is bigger than this club.” Club legend like Schmeichel? Get him out, can’t have such quality around this squad. That one million pounds is far too important. How else can they afford to send Tielemans another low-ball offer? In reality yes, they need to get rid of players to bring new ones in, because their squad is at the maximum number allowed. Too bad nobody wants ANY of the other players in their squad…
On the other side, Arsenal, big win to start the year. You know full well Arteta broke out the big speakers in training, found some random Arsenal employee to give a speech, and dug up one of his old stories from when he was a child to get the lads ready for Selhurst. (All or Nothing if you don’t get the reference, worth the watch.) The only question is, how many stories does he have left in him? Are there enough inspiring ones left to get them up for Leicester? The club with more Premier League trophies than them in the last fifteen years, a daunting task sits in front of them. Let’s be real though Arsenal did look good, that backline is looking strong, how about Saliba? French young player of the season last year, where has he been the last couple years for Arsenal? What’s that? On loan? Good thing they didn’t go waste money on someone like Pablo Mari instead of keeping such a young talent around, what a waste that would have been.
Not sure Vardy touched the ball in Leicester’s last match so easy decision here. Arsenal 3-1.
Brighton vs Newcastle Utd
Did Brighton shock the world last week with their win over United? No. Did they make every fan in the world fall in love with them? Probably. I will say every year Brighton somehow manage to draw me in. I don’t know if it is their attractive play, or something else. It is definitely their attractive play, because I can’t even think of another reason to be interested in them. Either way can’t knock the start to their season, three points on the road at the “Theater of *Broken* Dreams”. Too bad they come up against the hottest club in the world this week. The mighty Black and White Army of Eddie Howe. (Have I given myself away here?) Seriously though, have you watched us play lately, it is actually fun. I am not sure if this is what everyone else feels like all the time when watching football, but if so, fuck me, this is way more fun. Biggest issue I have is expectations, I prefer to go under the radar and have no one care about what we are doing. Hard to do when your club is fucking massive, and your midfielders boss every match they get to play in. Brighton plays attractive football, ours is just more attractive and better. There will be a battle in the midfield, Caicedo is a monster in there. However, we have the secret weapon at CB to stop them from doing anything in attack. Yeah, that’s right. Big. Dan. Burn. Good luck getting a sniff of goal with him around, Welbeck. They are good, we are better, also I am just way too confident after last week, we are keeping the good times rolling. Newcastle 2-0
Manchester City vs Bournemouth
This one is going to be short and sweet. Bournemouth popped their cherries (see what I did there) winning week one. Now it is time for them to remember that they are playing in the Premier League. City have the depth of a kitty pool, but that won’t matter here. I am going to give two predictions here.
*If City do not score in the first 15 minutes. City 1-0
*If City do score in the first 15 minutes. City 5-0
Southampton vs Leeds United
It is another edition of football vs soccer. Leeds United Americans vs the Saints. I am not sure whether it is worth it to be excited about this match. Sure, seeing Americans play is horrible, but also have you seen Southampton in their last twenty matches? Equally as horrible to watch. With that in mind, both of these defenses have more holes than a fishing net, that should mean we get some goals, right? I am not going to hold out too much hope, considering one side has a striker who finishes one of ten chances, and the other side played a center mid as a striker last week. I do think Leeds have more quality throughout their side, Kristensen the Viking at RB makes it hard to really pick against them. Pretty much just man mark Ward-Prowse, and do not give up any free kicks within 30 yds. Then you are guaranteed a clean sheet. Too bad Leeds gave away a shit ton of fouls last week, so no clean sheet for this naughty lot. Leeds 2-1
Wolverhampton vs Fulham
I asked the question a lot last year, are Wolves back? Frankly I am not sure what would even entitle them to be “back”. Like what do they need to do to be considered “back”? I do not have the answer to that question, but I do have this fancy graphic depicting exactly what I think, as of week one.
Wolves are not back, at least not yet. I saw something different out of them week one, sure. They did not show me enough though to declare them as “back”. Also, as some of you may know, if Fulham do not get higher in the table than either Forest or Bournemouth, I must buy a Sunderland shirt…if you think I am going to consider Wolves “back” the week they play Fulham you’re nuts. Not that I am afraid, did you see the masterclass Fulham put on last week against Liverpool? I did, there is nothing to worry about here, except losing. I have no idea what to expect from Fulham, I said Mitrovic would not score ten goals then he went out and shoved two down my throat in week one. Wolves do not have Coady anymore, and Mitro made van Dijk look like a deer on ice so, good luck Collins and Kilman. Hard to bet against them after week one, that midfield three look dominant, I cannot prove it, but Palhinha has three lungs. Fulham 3-2
Brentford vs Manchester Utd
Oh, how the mighty have fallen, these Bees were once the pinnacle of every man’s desire. Now they are nothing but a memory of what could have been. Also, Man Utd kind of suck now. The Danish rebellion continues at Brentford with Thomas the Frank Engine bringing in another Danishman in Damsgaard, I will be honest I have only seen him play at the Euros, so I have no idea if he is any good. Must be a kick in the teeth for Sampdoria, clubs were offering fifty million plus for him a year ago, now you let him go for less than twenty million, that’s some good business there. It could be worse though, you could be Man Utd, buying a player like Rabiot that fixes literally none of the issues your club is currently having, but what do I know. Maguire is still in your starting XI, Ronaldo is on your bench. Anyone else see the issue with that? I get it Ronnie wants to leave, even disinterested he is still better than the other zero strikers you have, and I stand by that. Maybe Ten Hag knows something we don’t, or maybe he realized this is not the Dutch league where you play one good club a year, either way he has a lot to figure out. Draw 1-1
Nottingham Forest vs West Ham United
Forest almost had a shot on goal last week, good for them. West Ham on the other hand put on an attacking show with one shot on goal. Forest have completed more transfers this week, than both clubs have for shots on target combined. I do know one thing, Scamacca must start for West Ham this week. Yes, I know, Antonio has been great for them and done so much, blah, blah, blah. They are facing a Forest club that is fully prepared to sit back and do literally nothing. They need Scamacca to play, get him in the box and let him dominate in the air, at least that would be my plan. Lingard is facing his former *sort of* club here so look out for some hostility between them. I have no reason to believe there will be any, I am just hoping to spice things up. After one week of Forest I am already worried about falling asleep watching their matches. I am giving them the benefit of the doubt, but I am convinced right now they will have more transfers in, than points by the end of the year. West Ham 2-0 (Forest get a shot on goal)
Chelsea vs Tottenham
Is it just me or does this match scream draw? Early season London Derby, Conte going back to the Bridge, Tuchel refusing to play/keep/buy a good striker. Not sure those last two points will factor in, but I feel like they needed to be stated anyways. These matches are always built up to be amazing events that will be enticing, most of the time they are dull, finals-like performances. Cagey with neither team just risking it all, best thing that can happen is an early goal either way. I would say Tottenham can pull this out, but Chelsea do look good on defense. Frankly any club looks good on defense compared to Southampton, but that is a conversation for another time. Chelsea pretty much bored Everton to sleep last week, also the viewers, me being one of them. I see the same thing happening here, maybe Harry Kane gets a goal then Mount scores one on the other end, to be honest I have no idea. I am not looking forward to this one, but as I mentioned above it just screams out draw. Draw 1-1
Liverpool vs Crystal Palace
Liverpool, playing on a Monday night? Unfair. I can already see the excuses formulating in Klopp’s head as we speak. “We had too much time off.” Or “Palace had more time off than us.” Or “Our players usually get their hair cuts on Monday nights, so they were not ready to play.” I know why he does it, it is to move the blame away from the players to something else, or himself. It works through, Liverpool fans aside, everyone else is consumed with him and his excuses, opposed to the lackluster performance the players put out last week. All I will say is Klopp has no excuse to not start Darwin, man came on and changed the game. Just maybe try finishing like normal, no one needs your lucky backheel off the defender back on to you goal. Palace need to bounce back from last week’s defeat, I am sure they will, just not this week. It is hard to go from Arsenal to Liverpool away. They will take some time to get things going again, the split preseason set them back. They have some young players I think will break out this year, they just need to get acclimated to the new level of play. Doucoure is one to watch, after just one week I already want to see what he does this year. If Liverpool’s midfield plays like they did last week, he may boss the match. 90% chance Zaha fights someone, had to take that into consideration when making this prediction. Liverpool 3-0
That is all I got this week, maybe I will do these each week not sure yet. What I do know; is if you stick with me, and bet these predictions, we will all be broke by September.
Until next time - SO
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